In my 11:11 Thing

As of writing, it is 11:11 in the evening.

I do not wish nor intend to write anything about love in my space. Love is something I cannot comprehend and for that reason – I do not wish to partake in all that rotates about that feeling or a choice, whatever it is.

I have friends who have struggled immensely with love, and I tell you it did not help me with anything at all. Do you think that would inspire me to love? That I am not sure. But, I tell you I learned a lot. This evening – facing the faces of the people who have poured out their whole hearts to this love – I saw the victorious faces of women who can withstand everything. For the first time in forever, I was able to take what Taylor Swift recently said “you have to give yourself permission to fail” – this resonates very well with loving someone too.

Let us be informed that I am talking about romantic love here. Yes, the love we all popularly knew.

To be honest, I cannot sort out everything that is going on in my mind. One thing is for sure – I am very afraid. I am afraid to love and take the risk of putting my efforts to waste. I am an organized person and I am a living paradox of impulsive decisions with calculated schedules. Death does not fear me, love does. This is the reason that I am not ready yet to see myself loving a person – including the good and bad. The habit of saying “I am not ready” was completely destroyed as of writing. When is someone truly ready to love? No one really knew. However, we take the risk of letting someone know us for some reason; to let them see us in our vulnerabilities and in our worst days and attitudes; and withstand with them all throughout, yours and their bad days.

Perhaps, those saying they are not ready are an excuse for their disinterest, or it could be rooted in something deeper they are unable to express. Whatever it is, I give them the benefit of the doubt. It is theirs to tend to.

Nonetheless, there is another perspective on the saying “I am not ready.” I am not a religious person but this bible verse struck me to my core – 

Songs of Solomon 8:4, 

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” 

This feeling of not being ready is intentional this time. If you are not ready to commit love to someone,  in the first place – why chose to pursue them? Why give them hints of interest if you are not ready to love them? This is where we go back to your disinterest.

Until it so desires, I hope that you don’t feel the same excruciating pain you made all you have given hints of interest and wasn’t pursued how difficult it is to pour out your love to someone who is not as interested as you. And what I mean by this, it is not a simple disinterest because, in the first place, it is intentional and cannot possibly be compromised.

Perhaps, those saying they are not ready are conceited enough to think about how they can make someone make a fool of themselves for them. Stop pursuing them if you do not intend to commit to that person. Don’t leave them on air as if you are playing with a stone. Remember, what comes around goes around.

Moreover, maybe the last “I am not ready” people are people like me. Those are the people who are afraid to love because of the first two definitions of what it means to not be ready for love; people who have their hopes made hopeless before; people who have already been defeated with overthinking that they are not deserving to love; people who are overshadowed by the standards of love; people who are not expressive of their thoughts and are reserved; people who have set other people as priorities first before themselves; and lastly people who have thought that love is an incomprehensible thing.

Our kin exists. 

We are here, lurking around and gradually figuring out when is “the right time” and accumulating the courage until “love comes if you don’t look for it.” 

We gather excuses every day to avoid such feelings and as of writing I finally have the courage that perhaps what didn’t work out for the past stages I’ve been into – is because of me. If love is a choice, then this is mine.

But in reality, people like me are always waiting. Waiting for the people who will have the courage to take down all the walls we put out to protect ourselves from the idea of being in love and being hurt eventually. Let us be honest, we are the most cowardly people. I am, and I admit to that.

Love is a choice. And that choice comes with your discernment of whether you will choose the person every day despite all the good and bad that you see in that person. Love is not always beautiful and coming to know a person you haven’t accustomed to having is not easy as ABCs. It has always been a risk you have to take. And with risk comes a lottery of whether you will succeed with the goal or learn a hard lesson. Through this, loving someone and giving room for your heart to grow with someone is a risk and you always have the need to give yourself permission to fail.

The person you believed you had could turn out to be someone disappointing you, and the person you believed could be a disappointment could turn out to be a blessing to you. It is tonight I figured that love is always granted with chances. If life is meant to be beautiful albeit difficult, love isn’t. However, love is designed to be worthwhile – for choosing to stay with the person you love despite all the bad days; for loving them in their worst days; for sharing half of your life and soul with somebody you haven’t come to know in your early life; and for saving a lifetime of chances for both of your growth (understanding, compassion, patience, and forgiveness).

You don’t have to measure who between you love you more – but the fact that you love them is an assurance in itself. You grow amidst bleeding. You understand more amidst forgiveness. You love amidst imperfections. Love isn’t beautiful, it is worthwhile. It will always be.

And for you who might think you are not ready to love yet because you’ve been hurt, so long as you knew that you loved the person wholeheartedly – the battle is half won. You haven’t lost a thing. And to all the people I knew who loved wholeheartedly; this is my admiration letter to all of you. I am in awe of how capable you are of loving someone.

And to be honest, right now I am testing my waters but I am not in rush. However, I have decided to try it and give out my heart. If I am hurt, then let me bleed. But let it be not the reason for us to fear the idea of loving someone. May that previously ended relationship not be the reason for us to change our minds about love.

Will you still love me when I got nothing, but my aching soul?

This I wish for myself too.

 

Oh to be loved,

In this Life Line


 


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