In my 11:11 Thing
As of writing, it is 11:11 in the evening.
I do not wish nor intend to write anything about love in my
space. Love is something I cannot comprehend and for that reason – I do not
wish to partake in all that rotates about that feeling or a choice, whatever it
is.
I have friends who have struggled immensely with love, and I
tell you it did not help me with anything at all. Do you think that would inspire me
to love? That I am not sure. But, I tell you I learned a lot. This evening –
facing the faces of the people who have poured out their whole hearts to this
love – I saw the victorious faces of women who can withstand everything. For the
first time in forever, I was able to take what Taylor Swift
recently said “you have to give yourself permission to fail” – this resonates
very well with loving someone too.
Let us be informed that I am talking about romantic love
here. Yes, the love we all popularly knew.
To be honest, I cannot sort out everything that is going on in
my mind. One thing is for sure – I am very afraid. I am afraid to love and take
the risk of putting my efforts to waste. I am an organized person and I am a living
paradox of impulsive decisions with calculated schedules. Death does not fear
me, love does. This is the reason that I am not ready yet to see myself
loving a person – including the good and bad. The habit of saying “I am not
ready” was completely destroyed as of writing. When is someone truly ready to
love? No one really knew. However, we take the risk of letting someone know us
for some reason; to let them see us in our vulnerabilities and in our worst
days and attitudes; and withstand with them all throughout, yours and their bad
days.
Perhaps, those saying they are not ready are an excuse for
their disinterest, or it could be rooted in something deeper they are unable to
express. Whatever it is, I give them the benefit of the doubt. It is theirs to
tend to.
Nonetheless, there is another perspective on the saying “I am not ready.” I am not a religious person but this bible verse struck me to my core –
Songs of Solomon 8:4,
“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
This feeling of not being ready is intentional this time. If you are not ready to
commit love to someone, in the first place – why chose to pursue them? Why give
them hints of interest if you are not ready to love them? This is where we go
back to your disinterest.
Until it so desires, I hope that you don’t feel the same
excruciating pain you made all you have given hints of interest and wasn’t
pursued how difficult it is to pour out your love to someone who is not as
interested as you. And what I mean by this, it is not a simple disinterest because, in the first place, it is intentional and cannot possibly be compromised.
Perhaps, those saying they are not ready are conceited
enough to think about how they can make someone make a fool of themselves for
them. Stop pursuing them if you do not intend to commit to that person. Don’t
leave them on air as if you are playing with a stone. Remember, what comes
around goes around.
Moreover, maybe the last “I am not ready” people are people
like me. Those are the people who are afraid to love because of the first two
definitions of what it means to not be ready for love; people who have their
hopes made hopeless before; people who have already been defeated with
overthinking that they are not deserving to love; people who are overshadowed
by the standards of love; people who are not expressive of their thoughts and
are reserved; people who have set other people as priorities first before
themselves; and lastly people who have thought that love is an incomprehensible
thing.
Our kin exists.
We are here, lurking around and gradually figuring out when is “the right time” and accumulating the courage until “love comes if you don’t look for it.”
We gather excuses every day to avoid such
feelings and as of writing I finally have the courage that perhaps what didn’t
work out for the past stages I’ve been into – is because of me. If love is a
choice, then this is mine.
But in reality, people like me are always waiting.
Waiting for the people who will have the courage to take down all the walls we
put out to protect ourselves from the idea of being in love and being hurt
eventually. Let us be honest, we are the most cowardly people. I am, and I admit
to that.
Love is a choice. And that choice comes with your
discernment of whether you will choose the person every day despite all the good
and bad that you see in that person. Love is not always beautiful and coming to
know a person you haven’t accustomed to having is not easy as ABCs. It has always
been a risk you have to take. And with risk comes a lottery of whether you will
succeed with the goal or learn a hard lesson. Through this, loving someone and
giving room for your heart to grow with someone is a risk and you always have
the need to give yourself permission to fail.
The person you believed you had could turn out to be someone
disappointing you, and the person you believed could be a disappointment could
turn out to be a blessing to you. It is tonight I figured that love is always
granted with chances. If life is meant to be beautiful albeit difficult, love
isn’t. However, love is designed to be worthwhile – for choosing to stay with
the person you love despite all the bad days; for loving them in their worst
days; for sharing half of your life and soul with somebody you haven’t come to
know in your early life; and for saving a lifetime of chances for both of your
growth (understanding, compassion, patience, and forgiveness).
You don’t have to measure who between you love you more –
but the fact that you love them is an assurance in itself. You grow amidst
bleeding. You understand more amidst forgiveness. You love amidst
imperfections. Love isn’t beautiful, it is worthwhile. It will always be.
And for you who might think you are not ready to love yet
because you’ve been hurt, so long as you knew that you loved the person
wholeheartedly – the battle is half won. You haven’t lost a thing. And to all the
people I knew who loved wholeheartedly; this is my admiration letter to all of
you. I am in awe of how capable you are of loving someone.
And to be honest, right now I am testing my waters but I am
not in rush. However, I have decided to try it and give out my heart. If I am hurt, then let me bleed. But let it be not the reason for us to fear the
idea of loving someone. May that previously ended relationship not be the reason for
us to change our minds about love.
Will you still love me when I got nothing, but my aching soul?
This I wish for myself too.
Oh to be loved,
In this Life Line
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