How do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become?
As a sheltered child, I appreciated sunsets every afternoon when I was four years old because that was the last beautiful thing I will ever see before my day ends.
I do three to four hours of studying, reading, or watching educational TV shows at home, all by myself. This is how my love for dogs and cats was rooted provided that I haven't been exposed that much to everyone. So, what is supposedly a visitor student turned out to be the first honor of her class. Right now, all I wished was I did not excel in that class. Would I get the same storyline as how it went today? That, I wonder every night.
If only I wasn't willing to prove myself to everyone as early as four.
And what I started 17 years ago, cascaded into this storyline which I am not sure if I should appreciate or not. I have always been the good one in the family, one which cannot fail because should I incur such failure, it would fail, and worst embarrass, the whole family too. Since then, I have always wanted to put my best foot forward without hesitations, regardless if it comforts me or not. Imagine the situation I have put myself and until now I haven't stopped blaming myself for everything -- for the miscalculations of my choices and decisions, unacceptable outcomes, and more so rejections that would disappoint the standards of whoever I please. In short, I suffer the dilemma of what being a people pleaser is like. But what I suffered the most is the disappointment and rejection whenever the faces of the people I love does not guarantee satisfaction for my actions. It is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
Academic validation has become my strongest suit. It never failed me and neither did they became disappointed in me. My initial response to their doubts is academic validation. Until it has become a habit and I thought I can sustain it, but the fact that their expectations rise and the people that expected from me increased in the count. Should it be a challenge or an added burden? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy studying so with reading books. What I don't enjoy is when I cannot achieve the threshold they are expecting me to reach, all my hard work will eventually turn to ashes.
In this life, doing good in my academics is my guarantee to the people who support and love me that their money is not put to waste. This is my assurance to them that I am doing great and I take in pride with what I have become because of them. But nothing is good in too much, isn't it?
Too much has become detrimental that even my actions have become too much to some. There will always be good things that come my way, but in the end, they always tell me that I was too much. I haven't realized until now that everything that I felt was accumulated within and unaccounted for. I never did understand myself even once and I haven't concluded how it feels like to be liked by someone without any conditions. I ended up misinterpreted because I, too, cannot understand what was going on and why do I feel this way. Everything is in shamble and I cannot straighten out every thread to come to a single conclusion of why I was like this. Most of the time, I have always adjusted and understood people, but was it really hard understanding me?
It takes too much of my courage to come out through this and I know it is cowardly, but the certain thought that what I think is not important to everyone else right now given the fact that they have something else going on in their lives right now -- and I cannot take to inconvenience their lives at my own convenience. It feels wrong.
I never knew 21 was this challenging and difficult. 21 is a stage of reluctance where you believed you are doing great when everything is actually falling apart.
I haven't appreciated this much happening with my life right now, to be honest with you. Gaslighting myself has become a profession, and it came to a point where it became a defense mechanism. Is everything my fault? But all I wanted to ask is if it was my fault to react when my emotions were triggered? Was I too much because I wanted to express my emotions to someone? Was it annoying to ask questions to be clarified about everything that was unclear to me? Have I failed you again? Or have I failed myself immensely again?
And just at this hour, I reflected upon George Orwell's line from 1984 which says "Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood." And what if what I need in this lifetime is just to be understood?
To be finally understood why such actions hurt me, why I like sunsets more than sunrise, how being at home comforts me more than any place there could be, and why I love pets, books, and writing so much. How I wish such a time would come and whatever decision would not be taken against me as someone indecisive, reckless, boastful, know-it-all, arrogant, loud, and a crybaby.
This time, my hope is just simple. I wanted to be someone who is understood by others. To finally have the free faculty to feel hurt if it hurts me, to fail because I wasn't able to make it, to be rejected because I am not deserving of it, to be happy because it makes me happy despite how shallow it is to some, and to be free to fully decide on my own the course of life I want to have albeit the setbacks -- without explaining and feeling bad for experiencing such emotions. For almost the entirety of my existence, I have coveted this to myself. So tell me, how do I forgive myself for the things I wanted to become and do and eventually did not do anything about it?
To whoever reads this, if you stumble upon this narrative... please do one thing for me.
Do anything you want. Become someone you wanted to become. Don't fear failure and rejection. According to Taylor Swift, we all have to give ourselves permission to fail.
For all the years that I have feared failure and rejection, look where it has taken me -- regrets. And the price I pay for the bill of regrets is something that lingers every single day. The regret of not being able to stand up for myself when I wanted to say "no" and when I wanted to try something but it was against them.
Nonetheless, with all these shams, I do not want you to get the idea of hating your parents.
Our parents took every effort they knew to raise us and if they hurt us, it wasn't their intention to do so. This is an exception to some, of course. Nonetheless, I also have reservations and manifestations about this thought. Sometimes I think they are too much. However, most of the time, I reflect on Bethany Webster's e-book, "What is the Mother Wound?" which goes on with...
"We all have sensed the pain that our mothers carry. All of us are suspicious to some degree that we are partly to blame for her pain. Therein lies the guilt."
This is how severe gaslighting myself has become. But, I understand for a fact that I am not a whole person and I don't think I ever will be. Parts of me died in the house I grew up in and I visit them in dreams.
It was a great lesson for me to have known my lapses this way. I took the road less traveled for this one. For long I have been aware of my situation, but I think this resonates well when you are the eldest of an Asian household, so I have to deal with it my way. The unwavering expectations are there because I have to be a good influence on my brother. I have to give up whatever I am passionate about because it is not practical and I don't have to stall any longer given that I have to provide for the family. I have nothing against it because I have always wanted it to be this way.
In the end, I always go back to my four years old self and tell her that I will always choose this life no matter how many times I am reborn.
And this was the first step I took to forgive myself. Sometimes in life, there are broken things that are not meant to be fixed, one of which is our dreams. It is a matter of choice and I chose this life. I love my family too much that I am willing to give in to everything for them. They only have me and this is the extent of the risk I wanted to take for them. And yet, I need them to understand that sometimes I demand something from myself too, and eventually I have to grow a life of my own. I hope the time comes they will give me the chance to pursue the things I wanted to do with my life without the shackles of my responsibilities as the eldest child, and without expecting too much from me. Lest they fear that I will let go of them when I pursue what I desire, it will never happen. I love them too much more than I did myself.
But when the time comes I learn to love myself in the future, I hope they let go of me to pursue what I wanted to do by that time. For now, everything is for them -- the degree, the prestige, and the honor. Sometime in the future, I hope I achieve what's for me -- happiness. And that is something I fear that they don't understand.
But not putting the blame on ourselves is one forgiveness we can guarantee ourselves. Our younger selves couldn't be prouder and will always be rooting for us more than anyone else.
And I can't tell you that this healing will be easy, but I can assure you that it will be worth it.
To all of us who are misunderstood,
In this Life Line
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