Country Road, Take Me Home

    It is in the bliss of unemployment that I got the drive to rekindle my passion even though I may have started this blog during the last few months of my college years. However, to tell you what motivated me to resume blogging is this anime entitled “Whisper of the Heart.” As a former student and a contributor to unemployment in the economic sector of my beloved Philippines, I happened to have time, especially now that I have not been well, to do things I love – read books and watch movies. I happened to have this stock of anime movies from Makoto Shinkai and Studio Ghibli that I haven’t watched yet. So, I spent some of my time watching movies since I was enrolled at home. Some of the movies I have watched are My Neighbor Totoro, Howl’s Moving Castle, The Secret World of Arrietty, and just recently, Whisper of the Heart.

    Shizuku and Seiji, in the film, are the complete opposite. Shizuku mentioned in the movie how she admires Seiji for figuring out his plans in life while she was hanging out trying to figure out what to do with her own. For some time, I believed I was Seiji, I mean I was in the duration of my four years in college. However, right after getting a hold of my degree in Political Science, I was taken aback because I was back in my Shizuku phase. It was true. Reality is a hard pill to swallow. Although I got the degree, I have to start anew on this new journey in life. And due to some priorities in life, there are plans beforehand that were crashed out from the list, and was forced to go back to square one of figuring out whether or not to pursue it or not.

    Taylor Swift’s Nothing New lyric resonates well with me during these times, 

“How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?”

    Take this as a tribute to myself because I turned 22 in the first week of the sixth month of this year. To face this unwavering existential crisis amid my what-to-do-next-and-what-is-the-better-road-to-take phase is not helping at all. The bittersweet taste of regrets that lingered in my flesh kept knocking in on me asking me “Had I pursued journalism, what are the odds of me being a known writer by now?” Always, in this phase, the ghost of my old love visits me for a long time. However, I would like to reflect on this meshed soul whether or not I am in agony? But, no. I learned to be happy and fond where I was because at some point my passion for writing was a high demand in the degree I took in college, more than a high demand. And yet, it feels never enough because it was too technical and I like free writing. So to those who knew me, the way to see through my soul is through my writing. You will see me as you read me in between the lines. You will understand more of me the more you read about me.

    And yet, the internal conflict I am battling with is the inquisition to position myself in hindsight whether or not I am taking the right path in this life. Blessed be the likes of Shizuku who was brave enough to lead her life fearless of what the future holds for her, something I cannot risk. So, in the shadows, I am truly envious. I was lurking around covering the ashes of the fire that I once cherished. For a while, I thought I was a coward for giving up a dream I loved but sometimes life gives us the hardest options, one of which is to let it go, and for me to compensate and rekindle with this passion, hence, this blog.

    So let’s go back to me going back to square one at 22. Perhaps this is a condition for everyone who took a degree that has no board examination right after. I don’t have the slightest idea what’s next for me. So I live by every day hoping something new will come to me. But don’t take it as if I haven’t done my part in deciding and applying for a job, I did. They say this is the “waiting game.” And yet, the waiting game mocks impatient people like me. You don’t have any idea how my mind works 24/7 like the whole world depended on it. It keeps creating different versions of scenarios that left me baffled, perplexed, immovable, and stressed for the day. My unwell condition adds up, let’s say keeping the flame of fever alive.

    I am now left in a state of being unwell. Too perplexed to move and sink in everything that has happened. Imagine, the month of May welcomed me and my batchmates with piled-up requirements for internship, thesis, and graduation. We are squeezed and drained emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. Then right before May ended, we earned a degree wherein I was part of the lucky graduates who graduated with flying colors. Then after graduation, we contributed largely to the unemployment rate of the country. See how fast-paced May was, so fast that it left me no room to process and digest everything. Now, I am forced to let myself know that I have nowhere to go now. And now, I am concerned about my career and my family, something that I did not expect to be problematic about after graduation, and then here I am.

    To whoever feels the same way as I did, don’t you think we are too hard on ourselves? I mean we can take one step at a time for us to achieve this, can’t we? Perhaps this is how Shizuku felt after knowing Seiji has figured everything out in his life and she hasn’t. Shizuku was relatable the moment she wanted to prove to herself that she was good enough. But even Seiji, went back to Japan after his two months of apprenticeship in Italy saying “he isn’t still good enough” and decided to finish high school. I know by now you already know where I am getting us at.

    The pressure we are getting in life, especially in becoming successful is a statute we have built to emulate those who have found theirs already. However, we may or may not lead different circumstances in life and that is something we cannot compare. Although the likes of Shizuku pursued their dreams albeit not figuring everything out and eventually took a few steps further, there are also the likes of Seiji who despite figuring out what to do decided to take one step back. That is okay.

We are the master of our own lives.

    That is something I continually convince myself about. Imagine, since the first year, I was very sure where my path would lead me after graduation. Then here comes graduation and being overwhelmed about everything and then ending up lost for not figuring out where to go eventually. I am Shizuku and Seiji mixed beautifully with uncertainty and courage. Although, I position myself at a great depth of pondering whether or not all of us are the same. Me, you, and we are a mixture of bravery and fear, success and failures, acceptance and rejections, sometimes and always, good and bad, strong and weak; the very embodiment of yin and yang. This uncertainty gives life to our adventure in this lifetime.

    To talk about career consideration at a young age is a subliminal repression of a child with what they wanted to become, and so is the authoritative stance of what is practical and not to consider over choosing a career path. I may not ditch my battle now, but to you who still have the chance to go for it – listen to the whispers of your heart.

According to Marsha Sinetar, 

“do what you love, the money will follow."

    But I tell you, I have not regretted anything because along the way I found a way to reconcile and rekindle my passion. So to figure out everything, always go back to what you love.

    And so this is the one that got away. This blog is dedicated to the love I never pursued but is now cherished.

 

May God help me,

In this Life Line